5 easy steps to vote in the next european parliament election

Confused? Don't know who to go for? Worry no more! Here you are the instructions to vote in the next European election and do no wrong*.

1. Look around you. If you see no problems then you are either very lucky, living in an isolated privileged pocket of Europe, or you have a perception problem and an inability for empathy, often times classified as, yes, psychopathy. In that case you can stop reading now and go back to whatever it is you were doing, torturing kittens, probably. Bastard.

2. You kept reading so you think the continent is fucked up. Don't worry, you're not alone. You might like kittens too. Stop thinking about kittens. Seriously, stop. Now, grab a ballot with all the political groups running for the European parliament in your constituency. Now, scratch out any party which has had any kind of political responsibility in government or has supported government policies in the last 20 to 30 years.

3. In the remaining list you will probably have some names you know nothing about and a few old acquaintances you know are just nutters. You will obviously avoid the latter (trying hard not to give names here...).

4. Do a quick search on the Internet and discard any group or party or individual that smiles or laughs at or uses irony and acts histrionically in response to what you reckon as reasonable, legit remarks and interventions by others. Also avoid those stating the obvious, those making you excited, those blaming ethnic, cultural or out-of-the-norm groups for all the trouble... Those who turn you into a bitter person, basically.

5. If you followed the previous steps, you should be left with a manageable bunch by now. And if you followed them right, none of the people in the list are directly responsible for the current state of affairs and are likely to genuinely want to make a difference. These are generally more specific in who they blame for the mess we're in. Vote for any of them. However, if you're still at a loss, vote for the one with the best logo. Aesthetic taste is always a plus and should be rewarded.

You're welcome.

*IF you want to vote, that is.

places / the pest / masters of the world (may song)